Monday, July 17, 2006
Fear
Of these times I've realized that fear is one to be confronted, not to run away from. It is something that we must contend no matter how difficult. Because no matter how far you're running away from it, it only just gets bigger and bigger. Your wariness of nothingness ballooned.
Fear of problems wouldn't make the problems fade away. Fear of your Credit Card statement doesn't make the debt balance become $0.00. Fear of love doesn't make you any happier. Fear of saying 'No' doesn't make your life a lot easier. Fear of sleeping alone in your own room only ends in your comfy bed inside your room left untouched for however long you decided to be afraid and slept on a thin mattress in the living room.
Because life goes on no matter what.
At one point I decided to confront my fear. I was tired of being scared. I was tired of being weak. I was sick for being whatever people expect me to be. It must have been those times when I had my mood swing along with excess sugar consumption.
So I faced them one by one. I looked at them closely. I spent a lot of time seeing them. I was so scared facing the truth of my life I cried and cried and cried. But then I reached the peak; the moment where I gave in. It's the moment where I allow myself to let go. To accept my life as it is.
During these times as well I become more and more aware that I am nothing without Him. I can feel the changes within me whenever I'm far from Him. It always the times when I am distant with Him when I feel so restless, uncontrollably anxious, unexplainably hates every single tiny thing. My heart slowly dies.
At some point today I remember how I used to let go. That everything in this life is not mine. I have to be careful; in my thoughts, in my hearings, in my deeds, in my words.
If hurt, let Him do the punishment, not you. If being treated unfair, let Him do the justice, not you. If puzzled, let Him tells you right from wrong, not other people.
Bitching about other people never give you any good. Two wrongs wouldn't make things fair enough. Being overly-anxious doesn't help solve the problem.
So here I am, facing all of my fears. It turns out that I am bigger than my fears, even after all of them are combined together.
...
Get down on my knees and I pray to God
Hope He sees me through till the end..